Hey, Wanna Go Hunting?

So, it appears that going quail hunting with Dick Cheney can be a painful experience. Just who does this guy think he is, anyway. Bobby Knight? Just a few short years ago Knight had a similar experience, though whether his case was a true "accident" was brought into question when the victim sued Knight and the case was settled out of court. But Cheney?

I cannot imagine anyone voluntarily wishing to spend a day with our President, er, Vice President, armed or otherwise. Especially in the middle of some field full of birds and cow turds. Unless, of course, you represent Haliburton and are looking for a no-bid contract of some sort. Since this guy, Harry Whittington, is reportedly a multi-millionaire lawyer, I'm guessing that the man was being forced to "hunt against his will."

The incident happened on Friday, and the Veep's office didn't bother to report it for nearly 24 hours, and only then after the Corpus Christi Caller-Times announced it to the world. Whittington was in intensive care, with pellet wounds to the cheek, neck and chest. He was standing some 30 yards away from Cheney when he was blasted, and was apparently approaching Cheney from behind. I guess that shows it's not wise to sneak up on Cheney.

I can see it now. Cheney, the paranoid head case that he is, spins, for a fleeting moment wonders why the "quail" has on an orange vest, but fires away anyway thinking that this is truly a trophy quail. The biggest damn quail anyone had ever seen. Probably mount that bad boy, if one does such things with birds. I know that fish are mounted, the heads of deer are mounted. Not sure about birds.

Probably the best part of all of this was the statement released by Cheney spokesperson Lea Anne McBride. She said that the Vice President visited Whittington and his wife in the intensive care unit on Sunday, and that Cheney "was pleased to see that he's doing fine and in good spirits." A true, compassionate conservative approach that we have become accustomed to hearing from Booshco. Hell, what would you expect Whittington to say? Were I lying in intensive care after being shot from 30 yards by this nutcase, I would probably tell him that I was in "good spirits" too. Otherwise, I would expect him to start yanking wires out of my body and pulling the IV from my arm, allowing me to die a slow and painful death. Since no Doctor was allowed to be near the Veep, only the Secret Service would be there to save me. And, saving me would likely not be near the top of the SS list of things to do for the day.

The other amusing part was the response from the gal who owned the ranch where the incident occured. Katharine Armstrong, the land owner, said the following. Whittington "came up from behind the vice president and the other hunter and didn't signal them or indicate to them or announce himself. The covey flushed and the vice president picked out a bird and was following it and shot. And by god, Harry was in the line of fire and got peppered pretty good." Only in Texas would you hear "got peppered pretty good" in describing the shooting of a human being. Okay, maybe Oklahoma, too. But this incident leaves questions.

First, did the bird fly in a circle causing Cheney to do a 180 and shoot behind him? Was this bird having flying problems, like a broken wing or something? Or, did Whittington have a Jordanesque-like vertical leap, jump and hang in the air next to the bird? Or, was it one of those controlled hunts, where the target is really in a small pen or had a bowling ball tied to it's foot? These are all questions that we will likely never have answers to. Since the "other hunter" has not been identified and we don't know his condition, more questions are left unanswered. Maybe it was one of those spy novel scenarios where no witness was allowed to be left alive, other than Ms. Armstrong. And she was only allowed to survive because she owned the place and they may need to do another controlled hunt someday.

I would propose that we have a "hunt off." Get Bobby Knight and Cheney together, send them to Corpus Christi and let them hunt together. No need for orange vests, they apparently don't pay any attention to them anyway. Besides, it's hard to get blood out of those things, I hear. We could take up a collection, and let the last man standing take home all the money. I figure we could get maybe $10 together, if we all dug real deep. Might even be a tax deductible campaign contribution, should Cheney be the victor.

Just in case Mr. Knight or Mr. Cheney read this and consider dialing their lawyers, THIS IS SATIRE. Just kidding, you know, funny hah hah. One I just couldn't pass up. I wouldn't "really think" that people with the personalities of a Knight or Cheney would intentionally harm another human being. I probably shouldn't worry though. I have a feeling that it might take Cheney a while to reach his lawyer. I don't think they have private phone lines in the ICU unit of hospitals. Knight, now that's a different story. THUS THE DISCLAIMER, General Robert Montgomery.




"Well, it either is or it isn't. Since I don't know for sure, it could be one or the other, I think."

George W. Boosh
C-Span, September 27, 2001


Cyclone