The Hunt for Osama bin WHO????

The hunt for Osama bin Laden continues. Or does it? If one believes that we Americans, with all our surveillance capabilities, manpower and high tech weaponry are actually hunting for Osama, one also must believe that the tooth fairy places $1.00 per tooth under our pillow. Fantasy, fiction, bullshit. Pick one of the three. "America's Most Wanted," "Wanted Dead or Alive," or "I don't know where he is. I don't spend much time on him."

If you guessed number 3, you win the grand prize. Bullshit + "I don't know where he is. I don't spend much time on him." Those are the words of George Boosh, and per usual, it is only half the truth. He's certainly telling the truth when he says "I don't spend much time on him." Boosh likely spends more time playing with his Erector Set in Crawford than he does on ordering people to hunt Osama. The bullshit comes when he says, "I don't know where he is." The dimwit probably talked to him yesterday.

The Boosh ties with the bin Laden family go back over 30 years. This is an undisputed fact. Another undisputed fact is that shortly after 9/11, all American airplanes were grounded for days. But the Boosh administration, with help from Daddy Boosh, managed to once again make up their own rules and arrange transportation for some 20 bin Laden family members to be whisked away to Saudi Arabia while many American citizens were stranded in airports, and the rest were in shock over the tragedy of 9/11. After the bin Laden's were safely tucked away, Boosh started the Tough Cowboy Talk; "Wanted Dead or Alive," "We will hunt through every cave...." and my favorite, "Those responsible will be brought to justice." When I hear this coming from the mouth of Boosh or one of his cronies, it makes me want to puke. It is right up there on the Gag-O-Meter with the infamous Ashcroft line, "Person of Interest." Just what the hell is a person of interest? One would assume that the term "Person of Interest" was created so that we could have justify the illegal act of holding citizens and non-citizens alike. Hold them endlessly without charges being filed, or their having the right to converse with an attorney, family member, or anyone outside of the hellholes that we dump them in.

As you all know, I have been an investigator for much of my professional life. I could find Osama bin Laden if the task were given to me. It really wouldn't be that tough. After all, how many 6'5 men of Arab descent are walking through the desert and into caves dragging a dialysis machine with them? Surely not many. But I am ahead of myself here. Let's begin with these "statements" that bin Laden releases to Aljazeera every time Boosh gets in trouble in the polls. It is simply cunning how the timing of these releases always comes when Boosh most needs a distraction. Prior to the latest release, bin Laden conveniently released a tape right before the 2004 Presidential election, playing up the fear factor that is so instilled into Americans that it will take a century to change. If only we had a century to work with, that is. Think that timing had something to do with the outcome of the election? Just in case stealing Ohio wasn't enough, Boosh had to play on the fears of the American people to guarantee that a large number of fence sitters voted for him. Gotta cover all the bases, a back up plan, you know.

The latest bin Laden released tape threatening "middle America" is a new twist. Now the people in New York, Washington, and Los Angeles aren't the only ones that need to be afraid. Topeka, Kansas is now on the hit list. That is about as middle America as you can get. And, the release comes at a time when Boosh sorely needs a little boost in the polls, and a distraction from his illegal spying on American's phone calls and emails. Not to mention, gotta get everybody's mind off of the Alito nomination. So, I'm going to do a Cyclone public service and tell Boosh and his minions a couple of things to think about during their "search for bin Laden."

1) Plant someone outside of Aljazeera and watch who comes in the door. Surely we aren't so far removed from the cold war that we have forgotten the basics here. Videotape everyone who enters the building, and when a new message shows up, go pick up whoever dropped it off and squeeze their nuts until they tell where they got it. You know, that torture thing you fought so hard to keep out of our laws, and when that failed you signed a letter to yourself saying that you weren't going to follow the law anyway. Granted, whoever drops off the tape will likely be far removed from bin Laden, but you've gotta start somewhere. You might be surprised what you might learn. Hell, you could even use digital photography and save money on tape or film.

What do we do instead? When Scottie McClellan is asked where the tape came from, he always says, "Aljazeera won't tell us." Darn, guess we'll never know. Those TV people just can't be counted on for anything helpful. We're back to the tooth fairy thing again.

2) Call your buddies in Saudi Arabia and ask them where the hell he is. Surely they talk to him and have some general idea. Screw the spelunking, use the damn telephone. Put a little pressure on some folks, and quit playing GI Joe and going from cave to cave, or at least quit telling us that is what we are doing. We may be mostly morons, but a few of us can see through your lies.

3) Quit thinking that raising the reward money is going to uncover him. This is beyond laughable. What are we up to now, $100 Million? Is that the price on his head now? Do you actually think that anyone in the Arab world would believe that you would really pay them? With what, a hot check? Take our word for it? The people that actually know where bin Laden is have more money than you can print, so cool it with the reward nonsense.

4) Make Masharruf quit hiding him and give him up. For God's sake, if he is near the border of Iraq/Pakistan, send some boys in there and start squeezing some Pakistani gonads. That torture thing, again. They will tell, and you won't even have to pay the blood money to get him.

I could go on with other investigative 101 tactics but I won't. Because it doesn't matter. We are not looking for Osama bin Laden and never have been. Had we been looking for him, ever, the last thing we would have done would have been to let his family go the night of 9/11. We would have them in Gitmo, every last one of them. And we would keep them. Not that it would matter, of course. Osama doesn't give a damn about his family, he abandoned them long ago.

But his other family, the Boosh tribe, he did not abandon. They have been good to him over the last 30+ years, and he has been good to them. He pops out a statement seemingly every time Boosh desperately needs one, if it is even he who speaks on these things. We will never know. He could very well be dead, and the CIA is falsely authenticating his voice. Each time one is released, we watch the Boosh charade of having the CIA authenticate it, saying "we're not yet sure it is him." Then they say it's legitimate, and the fear of the American people is ramped up a notch. Just like clockwork, and always a little too convenient to be believable.

We know where Osama bin Laden is, always have, and have NEVER been hunting him. We drop an occasional missle claiming to know that someone is going to be at some ridiculous "party," blow up some women and children, all for nothing but show. Darn, we may have gotten al Qaeda's Number Two man. Didn't we already get him? About 10 times? How many cards are in this absurd deck of cards that Rummy used to like to play with? How often do the names and numbers change? This has been going on for so long that beyond Osama and al Zarqawi, who the hell knows who we have killed and who we haven't? Or, who we are still looking for? Most of the people we catch we end up letting go anyway, so who can keep track? We just know that "they are on their last legs," because Booshco said so. The continual troop deaths in Iraq sure prove that to be true.

It's all mere cover, so the idiot American people can get scared and buy the bullshit that this administration spews. Quite frankly, it becoming nauseating. We can intercept party invitations, but can't find a dialysis machine. Give me a freaking break.

Booshco, the offer stands. When you want Osama, I'll go find him for you. Cyclone and his family could use $100 million. But, if you don't mind, could I get that in gold or Euros or something other than dollars? Somehow, I think soon, $100 million American dollars may not be worth more than the paper it is printed on.

Cyclone