Do You Feel Safer Today? I Sure Do!

I am beginning to find the "condition that our condition is in" almost laughable. Remember, I said alomost. I am nearing the point of throwing my hands up and tossing in the towel, grabbing my passport and heading to the nearest warm destination where I can afford to reside. This comedy of errors might be easier to watch from a long distance, rather than live it day in and day out. Because, the theater of the absurd, America, becomes more absurd with each and every day. Today's idiocy? The Department of Homeland Security. I am not making this up. (well, I made up my investigative involvement but that hardly matters)

Shortly after 9/11, and after the formation of the Department of Homeland Security, (from here on referred to as DHS) the new agency was given the task of creating a list of likely targets for terrorists so that plans could be made to protect these facilities. This report was due to be completed by December of 2004. That is LAST DECEMBER. I think that it was assumed that the list would consist of landmarks such as the Sears Tower or the Empire State Building, nuclear power facilities, airports and other places along those lines. Instead, this is what we have accomplished as of December 2005, one year past the deadline.

After three plus years of work, the DHS, created specifically to "protect the nation against terrorism," does not have a workable database of what would be deemed vulnerable targets. It has, however, pared the list to some 80,000 sites, all contained on a "classified" database. After perusing some of the sites contained on the list, I have concluded that any kindergarten class from the school with the lowest possible rating could have done a better job, and not taken over three years to do it. In fact, one could sit and think for 15 minutes and create a workable database containing listings of actual potential sites.

The initial list that the DHS created contained various Bowling Alleys and Miniature Golf Courses in strategic locations. Yes bowling alleys and mini golf courses. Now, I have been in exactly two bowling alleys in the past 20 years, so I do not consider to be a bowling alley expert by any stretch of the imagination. I do, however, on occasion, play golf with several people who regularly bowl. So, I do have some knowledge of the types of folks that frequent these "high risk targets."

I have taken it upon myself to investigate the likelihood of a terrorist act being carried out during the Friday night bowling leagues. Of those insiders that I have interviewed, none have said that they feel endangered by attending these sessions. Between 6-packs of Bud Light, one bowler told me that one time he had seen some guy with a beard that looked like he could have been from another part of the world, maybe Kentucky or somewhere, and he immediately threw a 7-10 split. I asked him if the stress of seeing the foreigner might have led to his bad toss of the ball. After much consideration, and after another can of beer, he stated, "I hadn't thought about it, but now that you mention it, the man's presence could have impacted my arm angle at release." As an experienced investigator, I know that one cannot take such statements at face value. You must use good judgement in discerning whether a subject may have an alternative interest in giving you a specific answer. So, after much pondering, I dismissed this explanation based upon this particular bowler's affinity for blaming various bowling failures on outside influences. This particular night, I overheard him complaining to another bowler about the slickness of the lanes.

I also know, again through years of experience in investigating serious matters, that you must interview more than one subject to get an unbiased view of situations. So, I spoke to another bowler. This guy had just polished off a "turkey," inside bowlerspeak for three strikes in a row. I asked if he had noticed anyone suspicious lurking about in the bowling alley over the last three years, someone that looked like a potential terrorist. He bluntly stated, "No. Leave me alone, I'm working from a turkey." Now, I am not sure if he was upset because I was disrupting his bowling concentration or providing cover for an accomplice who might indeed be a terrorist, so I felt that I must covertly scout out the premises for potential suspects.

I didn't see much, although a guy with two teeth showing and wearing a Dale Earnhardt cap on backwards, did cause me to at least give him a second look. He had with him a rather suspicious looking bag, and had appeared to have left it unattended. I waited for him to make a trip to the bathroom, and, wearing gloves of course, looked inside the suspicious package. I found a smelly pair of shoes and another bowling ball. Unfortunately, this guy turned out to be a man of "quick pee" and he caught me redhanded with my hand inside his bag. He threatened to "whup my punk ass for touching his ball used only to pick up spares." I explained that I was working undercover, but he insisted upon us "going outside," presumably to fight. Knowing full well that one should not be left exposed while investigating terrorist activities, I had a friend in the bowling alley that came to my rescue and talked the toothless one down. But, with my cover blown, I had no choice but to abandon my investigation for the night. However, I don't believe that Bowling Alley's in general should be considered "high target areas" for terrorist activities.

Miniature Golf Facilities might be a different story. My city has the best mini-golf course I have ever seen. You actually putt on real grass, so I thought that perhaps that should be investigated as well. Unfortunately, the results were much the same. I saw few over the age of 11 at this course, and those that were of age were accompanying families of the children. I saw no suspicious packages, although some of the balls being used were of odd colors, so cannot be dismissed as terrorist tools out of hand. This will require further investigation, so I will update you on this informatin as soon as I complete the assignment. In the meantime, should you decide to play miniature golf, I suggest that you remain vigilant while participating. It would be rather simple to place an IED inside one of the windmills, so please be careful. Now, back to the list.

INSTANT MEMO---I have just received an updated version and Bowling Alleys and Miniature Golf Courses have been deleted from the list. Now it's down to 79,998 items to be whittled through. After more than three years. So, if you trust the government, you may disregard the above warning. As the years go by and the National Infrastructure Protection Plan takes form, I'm sure that the money spent on this project will prove to be fruitful. Eventually they might get to the levees, bridges, chemical plants, refineries and nuclear power facilities, as well as our national treasures. These things take time, you know. But, at this rate, fetuses of terrorists will have time to be born, grow up and complete bomb making school and shuttle on over here before we define what targets might be struck.

Just what the hell has happened to this place we call America? We start a "War on Terror," and spend countless dollars that we don't have, compiling lists of damn bowling alleys and mini-golf courses. We bomb the hell out of Iraq, a country that had nothing to do with terrorism prior to our invasion, and accomplish giving terrorists their own fricking country to work out of. We get our soldiers killed by the thousands while killing tens of thousands of Iraqi's and Afghans, so that we can "fight them over there instead of over here." We can't even identify who "them" are, so we have no ability to measure whether or not we are winning this phony war on terror. To this day, no one, including Boosh himself, can even explain what the war on terror is. It may as well be a war on air, you simply cannot fight a war on a concept, mush less win it. In fact, we can't measure whether or not we are making progress, because it is not something that can be measured. We can only take the word of Boosh, whose word is no good. Boosh heads the regime that finds looking at bowling alleys and golf courses a good idea. We cannot figure out how to feed, clothe or house our homeless, yet we will nearly reach the 1/2 TRILLION Dollar mark borrowed to fight this "war." (assuming that the Congress approves the new $100 Million request from Boosh for money for the War on Terror, a given) We destroy the middle class of America, many cannot afford health insurance, gasoline or heating supplies, bankrupt ourselves both financially and morally, lose the respect of everyone in the world except the Israeli's and do nothing to protect ourselves from the next terrorist strike that will inevitably occur here. We can once again carry scissors and small knives aboard our airplanes. We have no idea who is in this country, less of an idea of who is arriving today, and no idea of who might be here tomorrow. We have a President that has not a clue what is going on around him, having given evidence of such by allowing NBC's Brian Williams to follow him around for a day. The best piece of news coming out of that adventure was probably a lie. Boosh claimed to "pay attention to the news, but not opinions." He doesn't read things himself. I doubt that he can read. His brain is fried, done in by years of binge drinking and drug use. He has an aide come and tell him what the news of the day is. I don't even believe him on that one. If he knew about the news of the day, he would resign, ending it for all of us. But, he won't. You know why? Because he doesn't think that there is anything wrong. NOTHING WRONG, all is just hunky dory. This is our President, the leader of the free world. And that, my friends, is a disgrace.

I would pay $1000 to have lunch with Brian Williams today, assuming he is not in a straight jacket. I would love to know what it was like to follow this moron around, even if it was for only one day. Williams commented that he had many visits with the President, although they were all very short. Again, know why? Because the Boosh attention span is like that of a first grader. He cannot concentrate on anything for more than a few minutes. That is why his aides have always said that "this President likes to keep his meetings short." Because he can't keep track of anything that lasts longer than about 15 minutes, he insists on short meetings. He is a childlike creature, allowing sociopaths like Dick Cheney to run the world from behind the scenes. He has ruined America in 5 short years. So, when the next terrorist attack occurs, I guess we should just go to the nearest bowling alley. It might be the safest place to be, assuming that you don't mind a little second hand smoke.

Cyclone